new york, new york?

ok, so this technically has nothing to do with scotland. well, that's not entirely true. it actually affects my visit here a great deal. see, for a long time, my plans this summer were pretty set in stone. last fall, i thought about getting an internship somewhere, but those hopes were quickly nixed when i found out i would be in scotland until the end of may. now i'm re-thinking that decision when i found this - New York Mag is again looking for online editorial interns this summer.

i remember seeing this ad last summer on their website but by that time i was already working at boston.com until the end of the year.

i want to apply but i also know this a risky decision. it could be only two days a week and while i might get paid i still have to find another part-time job i'm sure. also, uhm housing? yeah i'd need to figure out that too. but god NEW YORK IN THE SUMMER. it would be fabulous. of course, that would mean not seeing my friends or family for another three months potentially. which would be killer. and all this is assuming i actually get the internship. sigh. i'm going to apply and we'll see what happens.

i miss boston.

like a lot.

London and back

Just got back from my three-day adventure traipsing through London town, and it was quite possibly the best weekend I had since I came to Europe. Unfortunately that distinction falls with a city outside Scotland, but more on that later.

Kate and I stayed at a hostel for the first time (for both of us), and happily, both of the places we stayed at met my requirements for acceptability: a) the bedrooms were clean, b) the bathrooms were clean, and c) there were no wacky foreign dudes that looked like killers. On the first night, we shared a mixed room with 21 beds total, which while being initially concerned about, wasn't really bad at all. The people there were very laid back and friendly and there was a cute little breakfast cafe next door that served excellent coffee. The only setback was the location - London Backpackers was about 30 minutes outside of central London by tube. However, even that wasn't a problem because I strangely missed taking the subway places. I practically lived riding the T back in Boston and I felt at home while being jostled and pushed into a moving subway car by complete strangers. No kidding, really I was. By the second night we had moved into another hostel - this one was called Smart Russell (where we met our fellow adventurer Nishant - which although it was closer, we didn't like as much. On the surface, it was technically a "nicer" place, since it looked more modern and had a big screen TV in the lobby area but the staff wasn't as friendly and neither were many of the people we met. However, like I said, CLEAN bathrooms, so who am I to complain?

OK now to the good stuff. London is the most amazing European city I've ever seen. This really doesn't say very much, because hell, my choices so far are London and Edinburgh, and while Edinburgh is a beautiful city, it doesn't really top London. On Saturday we actually had absolutely perfect weather so we walked around, doing the touristy stuff - ie Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, St. James Park, and the National Gallery. On Sunday, we hit the British Museum, Tate Modern, and walked to the Tower of London. OMG almost forgot - we also rode the London Eye, which is this huge ferris wheel that overlooks the entire city from the Thames River. It sounds corny, but this was absolutely breathtaking. Worth the 15 pounds it cost for admission.

We didn't really experience much of the nightlife since the first night we were exhausted and the second night we wound up at this really awful club called Walkabout or something and it was just filled with what looked like American students who were really badly dressed and the music was horrible. (Playing Queen at a club? Seriously??) Anyway at least Kate got to meet up with her good friend from home. Our third and final night there we just hung at the hostel since we had to catch a 9 a.m. bus this morning. And after spending a total of 18 hours in total on said bus, we are back. Back to reality, where I have two essays looming and a sinking feeling that maybe I should've studied at Goldsmiths after all.

Perhaps what this trip has taught me is that I tend to regret my decisions a lot. Or perhaps "overanalyze" would be a better word. I always am thinking "I wish I had done that" or "said this" or whatever, and it's quite an exhausting way to live. I'm trying to stop, yet I also know that this a part of myself that I have to accept too. Even though I loved London, in a weird way, at least on the bus ride home, it made me want to start to appreciate Edinburgh more. I've been here for almost two months, yet I've spent most of my time thinking about things I'd rather do outside of the city. Berlin. Prague. Amsterdam. London. Yes, I want to travel to these places, but shouldn't I be experiencing more of the city I chose to study in? I'd to start seeing more of Scotland and more of the city. I'm planning on starting small. My first stop is to the National Gallery of Modern Art. Then the botantical garden. Then definitely to Loch Ness and the highlands by the end of my stay. As March approaches, I'm starting to realize how quickly time is passing. I don't want to leave here without saying that I know well where I studied. Even if it's not what I had envisioned, it would be a waste not to take advantage of what the city has to offer.

halfway to dunzo.

I turned in my two papers yesterday, and now have two more papers due before my term is up. They were understandably awful; this is what happens when you write two 2,000 essays in one week without really understanding what the hell you're talking about. My next paper is due a week from Friday; I really want to finish all the reading before I go to London this weekend. It's actually on a topic that's mildly interesting - cults - so that should be at least some motivation. As it turns out, I care very little about my grades here. I feel bad about it, especially considering how much money my parents are spending in tuition, but then again, I'm really not that much of a school person. I just want to get out in the real world and start working, which I think, I'm actually good at - well most of the time. I e-mailed the editor of the Skinny today and told them I wouldn't be coming in the rest the week. Again, another scenario that didn't turn out the way I expected. I just didn't see myself working there until 5:30 p.m. again, and then coming home and reading for school when I really have a lot of work that needs to get done before I leave. I would obviously never quit this early, but I don't think they really needed my help anyway. I just hope my decision to not finish my week affects whether or not my article gets published. Probably should have thought that through. It just turned into more of a hassle than I began to think it was worth. I just hope this doesn't become a habit.

In other news, there are now just five more weeks left in the semester, thank god. I don't think I can handle any more school in at this uni. I think maybe what bothers me most is that everything I've been doing is pretty much identical to the life I have back home. I go to class, I go the library, I come home, I make dinner, and then I go to bed. Occasionally I go to a bar or a club, sometimes I'll watch a movie, etc. Obviously the only real difference is that I'm not around my friends when I do these things. I feel fully adjusted but not any happier necessarily. Well I'm happier than I was a month ago, but I'm feeling marginally the same as I was feeling in Boston: unfulfilled. I hate this feeling that I'm not really giving something my best. Maybe I still don't know what I want. I suppose that's an OK feeling at 21 years old.

I'm not sure what I'll get at the end of all this. Maybe I'll learn something about myself? Who knows.

One thought.

Maybe you don't really appreciate your experience abroad until after you've left.

I think that may happen to me.

London-bound!

Me and Kate just booked ourselves two tickets to London next weekend. On a bus. For nine hours. That leaves at 10:30 p.m. at night and arrives at 7:30 a.m. the next morning. We think it might be a recipe for an adventure...or maybe a recipe for death. Obviously we won't know which it is until it actually happens. However, I am remaining optimistic because a) I'm really excited to go to London, and b) I'm really excited to go to London.

This week I started my two-week stint at the Skinny. Everyone there is really nice and friendly, like most of the people I've met here. (Also I think I might have a tiny crush on the editor.) My first assignment was to interview Colin Meloy of the Decemberists (done), write a feature about him and his band (half done) and a review about the new album (not done). These are due on Friday, but I also have two essays due Monday, neither of which I'm close to being done with. Sigh. Schoolwork is not my strong suit these days.

I've been adjusting much better now that I'm approaching week 5. I hope things will only improve from here.

one month anniversary

I've officially been here for one month. At times it does seem like I just got here yesterday. At other times, it feels like I've been here forever. I'm not sure yet which one is better.

As it turns out, Edinburgh is a very quaint city. Again I'm not sure yet if I like that. I think I might feel more comfortable in a city that felt more bustling and busy actually. I still have four more months here though I feel like they might go by pretty fast. Classes end on March 27, and after that I have three weeks off for spring holiday. By then it will be mid-April and I'll be in the midst of final-exam-time-craziness, so I imagine those last six weeks will probably be a blur. I'm thinking about potentially coming home earlier than May 30 if my finals are all during the first week of May or something, but we'll see. Since I'm not sure how I'm going to feel by then, I guess I'll give it some more time.

Next week I'd like to sit down with Alissa and Kate and see if we can hammer out where we're traveling for spring break. I was thinking about going places at some point during the first two weeks and leaving that last week for studying. Potential locations include Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, London, and Paris. Oh god would I love to go to Paris. We'll see though. Kate and I have been discussing a possible weekend trip to Amsterdam before spring break, which I think might be nice to look forward to. Also one of my flat mates mentioned he might go to to London too at some point soon which would be amazing.

Sigh, last night I went out to GHQ with Rachel, which is Ryan's friend from his study abroad trip in France. It was definitely fun, though I wish I hadn't gone out. I actually have a 2,000 word essay on the Scottish Reformation due on Monday and I haven't finished the reading for it yet. I imagine I'll just stay in all night and hammer it out. Or at least I'll try. Me + schoolwork ain't the best of friends really.

I really want to check out some new places in the city too. Hopefully I'll be able to once these next few weeks are over with and I don't have to worry about essays and whatnot. Which actually won't be until March 9. Oh well.

Anyway, I should probably get ready for the library.

good days, bad days, at least there's chocolate on pancakes.

There's this cute little cafe called Chocolate Soup not far from my dorm, and while they don't actually serve "chocolate soup" (I was kind of disappointed), they do serve soup and chocolate separately. Obviously, I opted for the latter. Pictured above is the remnants of a their brownie sandwich. Dinner were pancakes smothered in chocolate sauce. (It could be a mistake that I went there. Now I'm going to want to go daily.)

keeps gettin' better

[This is a street in Glasgow. I really like twinkly lights.]

I cannot believe it's February already. Where did the time go? I have four months left in Scotland, which part of me feels like is a considerably long time, and another part of me feels like it might take forever. How can May 30 seem so close and yet so far? I'm picking out classes for Summer II, and will be choosing my housing later this month, and both of these actions serve as stark reminders that I will be returning to Boston at some point.

This weekend, like most days, was filled with highs and lows. I went to Glasgow yesterday for some shopping and sightseeing, along with a few friends I've made here. It was nice to get out of Edinburgh for a bit, and Glasgow seems much more exciting and closer to the ideal of an actual "city" which is nice. It's twice as large as Edinburgh and also has it's own (very small) subway system. We went to a few museums and then stopped by Primark, which is this huge bargain store that sells somewhat fashionable men's and women's clothing on the cheap. I picked up a pair of tennis shoes for 3 pounds, which was good. I also had my very first taste of fish and chips, which is a popular meal around here. (Everything here is either deep fried or covered in mayo. I seriously do not understand how both boys and girls in Scotland are able to fit into such skinny jeans.)

On Saturday, I went out to a gay club, and aside from the creepy Brazilan man who hit on me, it was an OK time. They played some good music, as expected, and it was nice to get out and see a more cosmopolitan and trendy part of Edinburgh.

Generally I'm in a much better mood than I have been. Perhaps what I realized is I've been approching this experience all wrong. I've been constantly measuring my experience with my unrealistically high expectations, and unsurprisingly, I wind up disappointed. The problem is not that I have those expectations in the first place - they contribute to my drive and ambition - but more the amount of pressure I put on myself to achieve these goals. I do this with most experiences in my life, and what I'm learning is, that is not a healthy way to live. Maybe I won't end up with a vast circle of tight-knit international friends from all over the world. But that needs to be OK. I might end up close with one other person by the time I leave - and you know what? That's ONE more person that I didn't know before. There is no right or wrong way to do this, (well I mean aside from being strapped to a guerny in Amsterdam or something), and I need to stop comparing what I'm experiencing to what others have done. I've never lived my life based on a blueprint, so why start now?

SO that's why, from this point forward, I'm going to stop with all the pressure. If by May 30, I've made a few friends (either international or American), can name the best place to get coffee, haggis, and/or live music in the city, traveled to the places that I want to see, and generally have broadened my perspective on how I view the world, then I will consider this trip a success.

Who knew that all I really needed was an attitude adjustment?